Home, or home? Here or there?

We are heading back to Texas.. AGAIN… tomorrow. I don’t like being away. Mexico is becoming increasingly “home” for us, and every time we are gone, we feel slippage. How appropriate to get an email today from a young friend of mine who is heading back to the states for a couple of months to visit family, work a bit, and raise more support so that he can return to Mexico. We asked him to come and plan to stay 3 or 4 weeks to help us out back in January… and he stayed all summer. Just take my word, it was a God Thing…

 

Now, as we head to Texas to take “how to teach ESL classes” and handle some business, I take heed of his wisdom, and reprint most of it here for you…. Maybe more of us should think more about the true meaning of “home”.

    

 Tomorrow I head home for about two months. Thinking back to when I came down at the beginning of the year, I recall planning on being here for only one month. I am glad that God changes our plans sometimes.

      Now, I find myself in a place that is rather hard for me. I am coming HOME!!! I am leaving Home. I have two homes; one is in (the US) and the other is in Mexico. Though I do not own a house, I have found another home out side of the USA.

     A home is not made of wood or brick, it is not planned out, and it is not built by human hands.

     A home is a place where you feel connected and loved. Where there are people that we can share our thoughts, dreams, and desires. It is a place that we feel safe from all the problems that my come our way.

     God has blessed me with two homes. The truth is, when our lives are completely devoted to Him, we are always at home. We are always in His presence. He is there to love us, and he is there to hear our thought, dreams, and desires. He is there to keep us safe. He is there to comfort us.

     Yes, I am coming home and leaving home, but I know God will be with me. He is with all who have given themselves over to Him.

     Even though we are always at home with Him, we still go through the emotional struggles of leaving family and friends behind.

     For me, I know God is there to guide and lead each of us. He has been doing it our entire lives. If we were to look back on our lives, we could see how He brought us to where we are, and made us into the people we are. God has a purpose for each of us, and it is our job to answer the calling He has put on our lives.

    We are not to ask how to do the job, but just say, “yes, send me.”  

    …. this is what the Lord has been talking to me about. Home is in Christ and He has called us to work for Him.

 

……………………With thanks to SH (AKA, Mr. SE)

 

Dancing for Father

A few of us gals are going to be doing the Captivating Journal together, and so I’m thinking about what the Captivating Book has to say about discovering and releasing the “heart of a woman”. I struggle with believing - really believing- that i have a “beauty to unveil”.  Sometimes the belief is near the surface, and sometimes very hidden. Right now, carrying so much extra weight and feeling tired all the time makes it harder to believe. I know that beauty has nothing to do with these things. Well, maybe, but boca abajo - unpside down. When I know - or at least believe a little - that I do have a beauty to unveil it affects all of who I am, how I act toward others, and how I care for myself. When I care for myself, I feel more beautiful and then it is easier to believe.

Last night, I was praying and meditating. I think that this was before I started the journal - yes, it was. Anyway, I was trying to pray contempletatively - without an agenda, listening. This is hard for me, because it requires stillness and quietness and that I not be rattling off my “top 10″ (concerns, requests, proposed solutions, or what have you.) It requires seeking just to BE with Abba, to enjoy his presence. This is even more difficult to do in a short time frame. so, I wasn’t properly prepared to be fully “contemplative”. At any rate, while I was praying in this fashion, I sensed Papa beckoning me to come and dance for him.

Now, Emily - my friend - is really a dancer. I am a total clutz, but I have danced for Tom before, and I’ve danced alone before. I have done a tiny bit of “texas two step” years ago… and square dancing… but I am no dancer! So, my dance ended up being less dancing, and more like interprative sign language. I just put on my slippers, went out in the back yard and danced my heart out in the dark - with lightening flashing in the distance… it was beautiful. I felt the smile of Papa. I danced and sang (in my heart) ‘La Nina de tus Ojos”.

So, that’s my story. I guess He just knew I needed to experience his pleasure. His approval for something I don’t do “well”, but it doesn’t matter how “well” I do it …  when I’m doing it out of love for Him and Him alone.

 

Family

Not a long post here, because I’m pretty tired - we’ve driven over 1600 miles in the span of a week - most of that in the last couple of days. It was all to be with family. And worth every mile. That doesn’t count the 7.5 hours riding along to get out of Mexico and the 5.5 hours from the guest house to Houston last Thurday. Because of the short visits between the long drives, and all of the various activites we have crammed into our time together, and all of the goodbyes to people far flung (and we haven’t said the last one yet), I have been reflecting much on the agonizing beauty of our most precarious and precious relationships within the physical family and within the larger family.

If you want to be added to our photo sharing list for those times I post photos to Flickr and restrict them to “friends” and “family”, please email me, tell me the email address you want to use, and I will send you an invitation. email me at my regular email address if you know it. If you don’t know my regular email address, then email me at ljoneill at gmail dot com (only put the at as a @ and the dot as a, um, well, period), and give me a few days because I still forget to check that account every day, (or you can comment on this posting for me to go check my gmail to look for your request).

 

Another life to live…

No, It’s not a soap opera, it’s the reality of having one big toe in the American Way, and the rest of me in Ministry and Service. I had a physicist colleague and former class mate ask me “so you’ve decided to give your life to serving God and not to do physics any more?”. Although I think I knew what he thought  he meant by that… I answered ”I don’t consider doing physics as not serving God. I feel like if one does what one is called and gifted to do  with all of their energy, they are in essense serving God”. I didn’t have time to explain all of what I mean by that, but the first thing that came to mind is that working at a job or a profession or in the home is not less holy, less of a fulfillment of God’s plan, less… of anything if one is following God’s call on their life in so doing… this is the higher call - to serve God in all things. To serve and live and work in ever way “as unto God”. Neither o gain his approval, not to gain the wealth of the world, but to live in harmony with His will “on earth as it is in Heaven”. 

So, in that light, I may be taking on a little physics work that can mostly be done remotely, from Mexico, with occasional visit to the US… and if I do,  as I do some remote work for “General Hospital” radiation therapy, I will have a foot and a leg here in the U.S. “As the world Turns” at a very fast pace and the rest of me in Mexico, in another orbit entirely, as “All My Children” live so far from us… But in all of this, I am confident that “neither death, nor life, nor angels or principalities, or world rulers in earthly places, nor height, nor depth, nor any created thing will ever seperate me from the Love of God” and that “i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”, and perhaps most importantly, that if I ask for Wisdom He will give it without reproach.

 

Not what I expected

NO, i’ts WORSE. Sigh.

 

A whole WEEK

I haven’t posted in a Whole, Entire week! What’s up with that! Just busy, I guess. I’m leaving for the states tomorrow and I DONT want to pack and I really DONT want to go. The only thing that makes it even worthwhile is getting to see some people I care about. Well, i need these points to keep my medical physics liscense, too…. I’m just glad i got my boards done before the new rules about continuing ed and re-testing went into place. I sort of “grandmothered” in, which is fine with me….

I did post over at Simple Walk. So much to do. i don’t like this stress any more. I really don’t. And being in a layed back world with stress is maybe worse than being in an environment where everyone is stressed all the time and it’s a status thing to say “busy, oh, crazy busy.. I’m really stressed to the max”. I feel like I don’t belong in either world. And, truly, I guess I don’t!

 

One more thing…

I don’t need one more thing on my “wanna do” list, or on my “needta do” or “oughta do” or “shoulda done” lists.

But now I have one more thing I want to do. I’ve been thinking of this and wanting to do it for a long time. Today I see the need more clearly. There are a couple of good resources for folks who have been on short term mission assignments to help them with “re-entry”, returning to their native culture. These, however, are designed for those on longer than one week trips and most people won’t do a one or two week study of this nature on going home. I would like to start offering these resources in the bookstore, but I would also like to offer a shorter re-entry guide. It might still be a week of devotionals, but not as intense. I would also like to do a preparation guide that could be adapted for all ages (with suggestions for families with young children), but again not too intense. Some groups have a spiritual preparation program, others do not. But i don’t think many (if any) do much with the re-entry piece.

Today I received a letter from a young lady who is really struggling with the re-entry after only a short week in mexico. They aren’t even here a full week, with noramally 4 full days of ministry. Yet, the work that the Holy Spirit does in some of these dear folks, many of them young people, in four days is often life changing. And no one at home really “get’s it”. They want to know how things went, but they want the 15 minute without commercials sound and photo bite; they don’t really want to help you process the feelings and the transition that took and is taking place even as you return. They just want the “what i did this summer” essay.

So, one more thing on my list of things I care about and I want to do and it should be done but if I don’t do it or help inspire someone else to do it who will?

 

El Roi

 I just posted over at Simple Walk, and then I actually went and looked at this utube again. I don’t like this one as much as one I can no longer find, because it just shows too much of the pain of Christ’s Passion. But then, maybe I need this reminder. God sees. He saw me and He loved me enough…. for this. He sees me in my compulsion but he loves me and raises me above the stones of death, and gives me a new meaning and a new purpose. Hiding is not an option. Denial is only fooling myself, for the great accuser also sees enough to throw stones. God sees. He sees my failing, but he also sees my future. And he made a way for my future to be all he ever created me to be.

(La niña de tus ojos - Daniel Calveti)

Me viste a mi, cuando nadie me vio. (you saw me when no one else saw me)

Me Amaste a mi, cuando nadie me amo (you loved me when no one else loved me)

y me diste un nombre, (and you gave me a name)

yo soy tu niña (I am your little girl - literally)

la niña de tus ojos (the pupil of your eyes - figure of speech)

porque me amaste a mi. (for you loved me)

Te amo mas que a mi vida (I love you more than my life)

Mas.

 

Wings like Eagles, or Grass for the fire?

 Yet those who wait for the LORD
         Will gain new strength;
         They will mount up with wings like eagles,
         They will run and not get tired,
         They will walk and not become weary.  (Isaiah 40:31, NASB)

Sometimes I sit through a sermon in spanish more or less clueless. I get lost and I never do figure out what they are really trying to say - It’s as if I spend the entire time of the hike trying to find the trail after a wrong turn in the first two steps. But last night was different. My friend, Chely, was preaching in Alamitos. She was talking about being people of prayer and standing in the “gap”. Yesterday morning Tavo preached about the parable of the sower - the four types of ground and he asked “which seed are you?” So, the two togher put me to thought. What soil am I? Is the parable of the sower only talking about those who hear the word for the first time, or can my heart be full of thorns, or rocks, or to shallow to support maturing of the seed to the point of bearing fruit? Then, last night, one of the verses Chely used was Is 40:31, which is very well known to me, but it grabbed my heart. I’ll be meditating on this for days.

So, I decided to read back in Isaiah 40. The grass and it’s frailty was one picture given of mankind. And nations were compared with dust. What an interesting contrast. And then I thought of Matthew 6, where we are compared to the flowers of the field, adorning the grass which today is and tomorrow is cast into the fire as fuel. My recent unexplained fatigue makes me want to mount up with wings as an eagle and run without being weary and walk without fainting. But this whole line of thinking helps me to see that I need to wait. To Wait on the Lord. (I think someday I need to write a book called “wait”!!) and to trust in him - who dresses the grass up with regal robes of color even though it last only a day - and who loves me so much more than the grass of the fields.

The song on the cd player right now is one of my favorites

Esperar en ti
dificil se que es
mi mente dice no,
no es posible
pero mi corazon
confiado esta en ti
Tu siempre has sido fiel
me has sostenido

(Coro):
Y esperare,
Pacientemente
Aun que la duda me a tormente
you no confio con la mente
lo hago con el corazon

Y esperare,
en la tormenta
aun que tardare tu respuesta
you confiare en tu providencia
tu siempre tienes el control

It basically says "I will wait for you, no matter that it is difficult, no matter if i have doubts, or if your answer seems late.

I will wait for you even if my mind says it's impossible, and confide in your privision, your control. My heart knows you are faithful."

here it/see it here with english translation... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBHP8f6Ta7Q

 

The “Don’ts”

Today I blogged over at Simple Walk. So, I may not have much more to say. I just wish I could see the end of the tunnel with this feeling of being tired and having the “don’ts” all the time.